When Does a Mother's Love Begin by Patrice Behrend

When Does a Mother’s Love Begin?

I have photos of my 4 embryos as they thawed – they survived freezing and would have been ready to be transferred into my womb had my ex not fought for their destruction and won. Would any of them been born? Would they have had my full lips or my dark eyes? I will never know. I will never look at a child and see any part of my DNA. They were created by my eggs and the sperm of my ex fiancé a practicing attorney in Southern California. We were in love and doing everything we could, including IVF, to create a family together. At the time of the IVF we had signed a document witnessed by the fertility doctor stating that should we break up, any frozen embryos would be mine. The laboratory storing them would not honor the agreement and the fertility doctor wanted nothing to do with me or any custody issues. 

People would ask “why would you want a baby created with your ex?” The answer was simple. They were my children. No one would ask why a mother still wanted her kids after a divorce. Abandoning a child because of a breakup is justifiably regarded as repugnant. But I was ridiculed. Even those that loved me most didn’t understand.

When does a mother’s love begin? Unquestionably I became a mother at conception. Would anyone dispute it had the conception happened inside my body? But for me personally, I became a mother when I chose actions to create human life. My choice was well thought out and vetted through all the research, appointments, tests, drugs, timing. This was not a case of “let’s try without protection and see what happens.” Assisted Reproduction is a long and arduous process and the intent is crystal clear and singular. My love for my future children was there with every needle prick and procedure but when I knew that the spark of life happened I loved them, protectively and fiercely. There were failed transfers and they were all devastating, but at least I knew I provided the best “home” to nurture them and found some comfort that my womb held them as their life spark died out.

I grew up thinking I had a choice! My ex had complete veto power. It felt like a forced abortion. Many think that life begins at conception, pro-life groups certainly do, but I found none interested in helping a mother actually fighting for the life of her frozen embryos. When I realized the law was against me, I continued to try to become a mom on my own. It was not an easy decision – one child does not replace another but as a woman over 40, time was not on my side and even if I had found a way to transfer the frozen embryos, the chance they would turn into a successful pregnancy was very slim.

After 7 more procedures on my own, I became the mother of a beautiful baby boy thanks to an egg and sperm donor. My embryos were still frozen and I saw no way to save them and it haunted me. It was a powerless feeling. I suggested if my ex wouldn’t let me have them perhaps we could donate them to another couple. He refused. The overriding sadness was realizing that as much as I loved them and the potential people they could become I could not protect them.

The thought of eternal frozen limbo was not a good alternative. After many tear-filled calls of pleading, the lab took pictures with a microscope for me when they thawed out. I needed to know if they would even survive the thaw (they did, vibrantly.) It was a horrific time. The lab sent the photos along with the tiny vials in which they had been stored. I will keep them forever. Ironically they couldn’t send the vials with the embryos in them because they couldn’t ship human tissue.

I don’t believe this issue should pit the Pro-Life and Pro-Choice people against each other. It really isn’t about that – it is about parents choosing to be parents.  Most legal decisions cite that people should not be forced to become parents. Really! Tell that to the millions of men through the years that feel they were tricked into becoming fathers. This is a new and different kind of custody based on new science. No one should force a woman to be implanted with frozen embryos but if one partner wants and is able to give embryos a chance at life, the law should support it. Make the unwilling partner legally a “sperm donor” or “egg donor” – take all their parental rights and responsibilities away – it’s not that difficult to construct a law that works to give parental choice. Their consent to create life was given long before and then again at conception. In what other case whether it is custody for children or property, does the party that plans on death or destruction, win? What judge would rule for that person?

IVF is the most premeditated and intentional creation of life that exists. The only purpose of the act is to create a human being. The law needs to evolve with science.

Patrice Behrend is a Mother, Inventor, and Entrepreneur best known for creating the Infertility Awareness Symbol, Fertility Hope Pendant and the Infertility Warrior character.  She persevered through a 5 year/13 procedure battle with infertility during which she unsuccessfully fought her ex-fiance’ for their 4 frozen embryos.  A devoted solo Mom to her extraordinary 5 year old son, Patrice is currently working on an invention for moms and kids. You can find her at Facebook.com/InfertilityWarrior. Patrice is also a member of Embryo Defense, a nonprofit organization dedicated to educating and providing resources for anyone who believes in saving human embryos. www.embryodefense.org.